Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there! The daddies that hold their babies now and the daddies that have to wait until they get to Heaven to hold their babies. The daddies who were never able to have babies of their own, but still loved other's babies as their own.

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband who is the father of 1 furbaby and 2 heavenly babies. I hope that next Father's Day he has a baby to hold in his arms!!

Don't cry for Me Daddy
Don't cry for me Daddy,
I'm right here.
Although you can't see me
I see your tears.
I visit you often,
I go to work with you each day,
And when it's time for you
to close your eyes ,
On your pillow is where I lay.
I hold your hand &
stroke your hair,
And whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today Daddy,
Remember, I am here.
God took me home.
This we know is true.
But you'll always be My Daddy
Even though I'm not with you.
We will never be apart,
For everytime you think of me,
Please know I'm in your Heart..........
~Author Unknown

Resources

I have always loved to read! After losing Michael, I really turned to books to help me through. Some were helpful, some were not. These are some of the books I liked:

Empty Arms by Keren Baker

An Empty Cradle A Full Heart by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser This is a book of quotes. Some are for the mother and some are for the father.

I Will Carry You The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. This book is written by the singer of Selah's wife. They found out when they were 18 weeks pregnant that their baby wouldn't live long after delivery and were encouraged to terminate the pregnancy. They chose to carry the baby to term and this is their story. Now, I haven't read the whole book yet but so far it is very good. Right now I am at the part when they are in delivery and it is very hard for me to read.

Grieving the Child I never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. This book is a WONDERFUL book of devotations! I LOVED this book!

Holding on to Hope and Hearing Jesus Speak Unto Your Sorrow by Nancy Guthrie. She and her husband have lost 2 babies after birth. Wonderful books.

Empty Cradle Broken Hearts Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah Davis. Very helpful and answers many questions. (And confirms you are normal!)

I'll Hold You in Heaven Remembrance book by Debbie Hydrick. This book is great and allows you to write your feelings. It also has the stories of other women who have lost their babies. The leader of my support group, Rebekah, has the story of her son in the book.

Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam Vredevelt.

Mommy, please don't cry. There are no tears in Heaven. by Linda Deymaz. Told by a child in Heaven. Sweet and touching and will make you cry.

FORGOTTEN TEARS: A Grandmother's Journey Through Grief by Nina Bennett. I haven't read this book, but my mom has (Or at least she read most of it.) I think it has been hard to get through

When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner. I liked how this book doesn't really try to give answers

Someone Came Before You I am hoping that one day we will have a rainbow baby to read this story to.



Songs

I was surprised to find out how many songs were written about the loss of a baby.

Glory Baby by Watermark - This song was written after the couple lost 2 babies to miscarriages.

Homesick by Mercy Me- This song was written for friends of the singer. They lost twins when they were about 5 months along.

Hello Goodbye by Michael W Smith- He wrote this song for some friends that lost their 2 month old

Held by Natalie Grant- She wrote this song for friends who lost their 2 month old.

I Will Carry You by Selah- This is the song that inspired the book

You Wouldn't Cry(Andrew's Song) by Mandisa- She meet a fan that was pregnant and Mandisa remembers feeling the baby kick. Her fan ended up losing the baby. This song is a litte different because it is written in the point of view of the baby in heaven.

With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman- He wrote this song for some friends who lost a child

Wish You Were Here by Mark Harris- This song talks about reuniting in Heaven

Beauty Will Rise album by Steven Curtis Chapman- He wrote this album after his daughter died. The entire album is wonderful.

Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney- this song isn't written about a child, but it is still a very good song


I would also highly recommend the MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) website. This support group has been a wonderful blessing to my husband and I. The newsletters on the site are great.

How to Help

One thing that often comes up in conversations with people who have lost a baby is about how other people have said hurtful things. Believe me, I know people have the best intentions and don't mean to hurt us, but it still hurts.

If you haven't been through a loss, please just say I'm sorry for your loss.
Please don't say:
It wasn't meant to be. (How can my son not be meant to be?)
You can just have another baby. (I wanted this baby)
At least it happened before the baby was born. (I still loved this baby)
At least you weren't attached yet. (I got attached the minute I found out I was pregnant)
I can imagine how you feel. (Unless you have lost a baby, you have no idea how I feel)
At least your baby is in heaven. (I wanted my baby with me!)
Just pray and you will feel all better. (Seriously?)
God has everything happen for a reason. (Then why did this happen to me?)
I know how you feel. My dog just died/my bf or gf broke up with me/I lost my job. (Once again seriously?)

If you know someone else who has lost a baby, get them in touch with that person ASAP!!! I am so grateful my cousin Kristen got me in touch with Mandi. Mandi really helped me during those first lonely weeks.

Please send a card. I loved all the cards I got, especially the ones that said Sorry for the loss of your son. It made me feel good that people acknowleged I had a son.

Continue to send cards throughout the year. Your life goes back to normal. My ife will never be normal again. I am lucky to have people in my life that continue to send me cards to let me know they are thinking about me and they haven't forgotten Michael. Some days that are really hard for us: Michael's angelversary/birthday, the due date, Mother's Day and Father's Day. Holidays are VERY hard for people that have lost a baby. This Christmas will be the second one that Santa will skip our house.

Please send food. We had many people send us food, including the wonderful staff at my school. If we didn't have that food, we wouldn't have ate.

If they have living children ask them if you can babysit.

Ask if they want help packing up the babies things. Some won't. Some like me couldn't stand the thought of entering "that room."

Please remember them after the service. Once again, your life goes back to normal. Our life will have a new normal. I am grateful for all the arrangements that were sent to his service, but it was nice to have flowers sent to my house from my cousin Allison the day after the service.

Listen to them when they talk!!!

Please be sensitive if they don't: want to go to baby showers, birthday parties, see your baby, hear about your baby. Even though I would NEVER wish an infant loss on anyone, it is still hard to see other people's dreams come true when my dream ended in a nightmare.

Pick up on the words they use. Some people don't like to say their baby was lost. Their baby isn't lost. They know where their baby is.
I actually prefered the term lost though. It took me several months to be able to say that my son was stillborn.

Don't ask if they are over it yet. The answer will always be no.

Don't ask if I still think about my baby. The answer will always be yes.

Please don't tell me I'm not a mother and maybe next year I will be one.

Please don't tell my husband he's not a father but maybe next year he will be one.

Please don't like at us like we are crazy when we say we are going to try again.

I am very thankful to all the people in our life that have helped us out during the loss of our son. Once again I want to say that I know people don't intend to hurt us. But when you are grieving, some of these words can be a dagger to a heart that's already broken.

Life Changes

Everybody has something happen to them that forever changes their lives. I can think of 2 things that have happened to me that has changed me.

March 20 2009: It was supposed to be an exciting day for me. I was 8 weeks pregnant and we were going to the doctor for the first time to hear the heartbeat. I was very nervous though. I had a feeling something was wrong. I could not stop shaking with fear that day. Everyone told me everything was going to be okay. Little did we know that I was right. We went in for the sonogram. The lady asked lots of questions about the dates. Told us things didn't look like they should and we were hurried to the doctor's office. I was shaking as the time slowly ticked by. My husband was oblivious to the fact that something was wrong. Kept on telling me everything was fine. The doctor came in. "I hate to meet people under these circumstances." "What circumstances?" Doctor looked confused. "Didn't you know? What did the nurse tell you?" "We weren't told anything." "Oh. It looks like you had a failed pregnancy." Failed pregnancy. What a term. I guess I got an F that day. We had to go back in the next week for another sonogram just to make sure. This time there was a change. There was some development! Maybe we were having a baby after all! A few days later we got the results of the bloodtest. We had lost the baby. Baby Wheeler was lost to a miscarriage.


A few months later we were pregnant again. I remember how safe we felt after we heard the heartbeat for the first time. Things were going to be different this time! We were going to have a baby! And the best part was my sister and I were both having boys a week apart. Life was so great! In December my husband got laid off. I remember thinking that life couldn't get worse. I was wrong. I begin having doubts again. I was starting to worry that things were wrong again.

January 22 2010 My life is now divided before this day and after this day. Before I left work that day I made copies of all my papers for next week. I had a thought in my mind that just in case I lost the baby I needed to have things ready for a sub. On my way to my appointment I pushed that thought out of my head. I thought there was no way God would let this happen to me again! No way!! I would NEVER lose a baby this far along. When my husband and I saw the doctor I expressed some concern about not feeling him move as much and he assured me it was normal. He got out the doppler. Couldn't find the heartbeat. Concerned look. "It should be easy to find a heartbeat at this time. This concerns me. We need to go to the sonogram room." I looked at my husband and blinked back tears. He assured me everything would be fine and I should stop crying. We went to the sonogram room. Seemed like such a long walk. Felt like the walls were closing in. I couldn't look at the sonogram. I looked at their faces. Their faces gave us the answer we were dreading. "We're sorry." They started to talk about fluids and stuff. I couldn't understand what they were saying. I felt like I was on the outside looking in. Went back to the doctor's office. Was scheduled to be induced on January 27. We went into the hospital that day. It was such a hard day. How do you say goodbye before you say hello? Why did this happen to me? Was I a bad person? The next weeks were a blur. Looking back I don't know how we found the strength to get through it all. I guess God gives you the grace that you need.

If I could go back in time, would I change anything? No I wouldn't. I am very grateful for the time that we had with Michael. I am grateful for the leg cramps, all day sickness and just being tired. I am grateful I heard his heartbeat, saw his move on the sonogram and felt his kicks. I am grateful I got to hold him. I am grateful that I now have the love of a son. I am grateful that I will appreciate my next pregnancy and future kids more than the average woman. I am grateful that one day I will be reunited with my babies. I am grateful that I now know that life can change in a second.