Life Changes

Everybody has something happen to them that forever changes their lives. I can think of 2 things that have happened to me that has changed me.

March 20 2009: It was supposed to be an exciting day for me. I was 8 weeks pregnant and we were going to the doctor for the first time to hear the heartbeat. I was very nervous though. I had a feeling something was wrong. I could not stop shaking with fear that day. Everyone told me everything was going to be okay. Little did we know that I was right. We went in for the sonogram. The lady asked lots of questions about the dates. Told us things didn't look like they should and we were hurried to the doctor's office. I was shaking as the time slowly ticked by. My husband was oblivious to the fact that something was wrong. Kept on telling me everything was fine. The doctor came in. "I hate to meet people under these circumstances." "What circumstances?" Doctor looked confused. "Didn't you know? What did the nurse tell you?" "We weren't told anything." "Oh. It looks like you had a failed pregnancy." Failed pregnancy. What a term. I guess I got an F that day. We had to go back in the next week for another sonogram just to make sure. This time there was a change. There was some development! Maybe we were having a baby after all! A few days later we got the results of the bloodtest. We had lost the baby. Baby Wheeler was lost to a miscarriage.


A few months later we were pregnant again. I remember how safe we felt after we heard the heartbeat for the first time. Things were going to be different this time! We were going to have a baby! And the best part was my sister and I were both having boys a week apart. Life was so great! In December my husband got laid off. I remember thinking that life couldn't get worse. I was wrong. I begin having doubts again. I was starting to worry that things were wrong again.

January 22 2010 My life is now divided before this day and after this day. Before I left work that day I made copies of all my papers for next week. I had a thought in my mind that just in case I lost the baby I needed to have things ready for a sub. On my way to my appointment I pushed that thought out of my head. I thought there was no way God would let this happen to me again! No way!! I would NEVER lose a baby this far along. When my husband and I saw the doctor I expressed some concern about not feeling him move as much and he assured me it was normal. He got out the doppler. Couldn't find the heartbeat. Concerned look. "It should be easy to find a heartbeat at this time. This concerns me. We need to go to the sonogram room." I looked at my husband and blinked back tears. He assured me everything would be fine and I should stop crying. We went to the sonogram room. Seemed like such a long walk. Felt like the walls were closing in. I couldn't look at the sonogram. I looked at their faces. Their faces gave us the answer we were dreading. "We're sorry." They started to talk about fluids and stuff. I couldn't understand what they were saying. I felt like I was on the outside looking in. Went back to the doctor's office. Was scheduled to be induced on January 27. We went into the hospital that day. It was such a hard day. How do you say goodbye before you say hello? Why did this happen to me? Was I a bad person? The next weeks were a blur. Looking back I don't know how we found the strength to get through it all. I guess God gives you the grace that you need.

If I could go back in time, would I change anything? No I wouldn't. I am very grateful for the time that we had with Michael. I am grateful for the leg cramps, all day sickness and just being tired. I am grateful I heard his heartbeat, saw his move on the sonogram and felt his kicks. I am grateful I got to hold him. I am grateful that I now have the love of a son. I am grateful that I will appreciate my next pregnancy and future kids more than the average woman. I am grateful that one day I will be reunited with my babies. I am grateful that I now know that life can change in a second.